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Friday, April 24th, 2009
4:54 pm - Wow, three days in a row...
So I'm enjoying my phone more than I thought I would. I still don't have any apps for it, but oh well. At least I can do something remotely productive while I sit at the pharmacy and wait.

I've been bitten by the gardening bug it seems. I bought a bunch of flowers last week and planted them, and did some other gardening work last weekend because the weather was nice. We had a bit of cold weather after, but it has warmed up again, thankfully. In addition to the geraniums, bleeding hearts, and fern I planted last week, I bought some marigolds and henna coliuses to plant today. I might post some pictures when I'm done. Tomorrow I think I'll work on trimming some bushes and things.

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Thursday, April 23rd, 2009
4:34 pm - Just a random note
Maybe it's just me, but it's awefully weird hearing your 50-something white boss say "damn Bria, help a brutha out!"

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Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009
9:50 am - happy earth day
I know I haven't posted in forever but I had a few free minutes at work so I thought I'd stop by and wish everyone a happy earth day.

I just got a new iPhone (which I'm using now) so maybe I'll be able to update this thing more often. Usually by the time I get off work, run errands, have dinner and all that, I'm too tired to think of anything witty to say.

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Monday, August 4th, 2008
8:44 pm - Soo...
It's been another long while since I updated, bt I don't think that many people read this, so what does it matter anyways.

Not a whole lot has changed, but at the same time it seems almost everything has changed. Most of the changes happened without me realizing it, I guess. It always sucks to look back and realize you've grown up. :-P I've gotten so tired of the drama in my life... not that there was a lot of it, but still. I don't even find it remotely entertaining anymore. And I've gotten tired of talking to the people who always bring the drama, too. I have enough stress in my life without all the extra bullshit. Perhaps it makes me sound self-centered or whatever, but sometimes I just don't give a damn what happens to other people.

That being said, there are of course still friends I care deeply for, and would do anything for.. they are just fewer and far between now. Some people might say I'm closing myself off again, but I don't feel that I am. I'm just tired of overextending myself and getting nothing in return.

But enough emo-ness. What else has happened? I don't remember if I mentioned before, but I have my own office now. I started rearranging things Friday, and just finished today. I finally have everything situated how I want it, and not scattered all over the place. I have a total of six plants in my office now, too. Its sad to say, but they're becoming like my children. I brood over them like a mother hen, and I actually worry about them when I'm away. It sounds odd, but I've never actually had plants all to myself before. I've never been able to pick and choose what I've wanted, its always been what my parents said I could get, or what they wanted. It's quite an ecclectic group of plants, too, much like my interests in everything else. If I see something I like I get it, providing its suitable for my office and the light and all. There are still others I want to get, but I'm going to try to wait for now.

I've been more social at work too. I'd chat with coworkers before, but it was usually superficial stuff, just to be nice. I'd chat about the weather or stuff like that. Now I find myself having actual conversations though, about life and beliefs and all of that. I rarely use to talk to Leah at all, but we talk almost every day now. She likes to come and visit me and my plants. I suppose talking to her has gotten me into speaking more Spanish again. Her English is good, but sometimes it depends on what she's talking about. Sometimes the story she's telling me winds up being a fifty fifty mix of Spanish and English. We made a few people chuckle once because she was trying to tell me how to cook something, and it was such a jumble of Spanish and English that even Leah got confused. I even bought a Spanish dictionary that I keep at my desk. I've come to the realization though that I understand more Spanish than I thought I did, it's just not the GOOD kind. I've started listening to Pitbull's music again, and there is definately a lot of 'explicit content'... yet I understand most all of it. The only time I can't understand the Spanish is when he gets to rapping too fast. I know too many naughty words, and not enough clean ones I suppose.

I've quit listening to Asian music for the most part now. I imagine my mood will eventually change and I'll go back to it, but who knows when that will be. I've developed an obsession for Vin Diesel.. which is about the farthest thing from the femme asian men that I could get. I imagine in time that too will pass.

I finally have some vacation time coming up. One of my friends might come visit, or if I have the money, I might go visit someone else, who knows. I never really plan things too far in advance.

Anyways, I'm starting to get sleepy, and can't think of anything else to say.


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Sunday, June 22nd, 2008
9:05 pm - Bleh...
I keep meaning to update this thing, but every time I have something to say, I'm too tired to do it. I don't have anything better to be doing... well I'm sure I'd find something if I went looking, but I'm not going to. Anyways I'll put it behind a cut, since people get so nit-picky about how their friend pages look. If you want to read it, read it.

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current mood: exhausted

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Friday, April 18th, 2008
6:14 am - The ass-crack of dawn, and why I am up before it.
I don't like mornings, really I don't. And I'm a horribly light sleeper to begin with.

I had the joy of being awakened from a dream (though I can't even remember if it was good or not) by being shaken. Now I've always said this house was haunted, though I thought the spirit was a nice one and it never bothered me. But I thought for a moment when I first woke up that someone was physically shaking my bed, like in the exorcist or something. The shaking continued though. The closet doors rattled a bit and I think one or two things on my dresser toppled over, but nothing bad, and then it all stopped. I sat up in bed for a moment trying to get my brain to function. Had I just imagined it all? Or did it really happen? I finally got up and went downstairs, and saw dad's bedroom light on. Asked him if he felt anything, and he said yes, the shaking woke him up too, which made me feel better because at least I know it wasn't just me. :-P So I go back upstairs, debate on going to bed or getting online.. and of course I chose to get online. Come to find out from the dear Stephie, they had the same thing in Clarksville, TN, and that was why she was up. I guess there was an earthquake in Evansville, IN. The last I heard though was that there were no injuries reported at all, so hopefully everything will be okay. It was certainly an interesting way to wake up though!

I was going to update this thing last night, but never got around to it. I felt pretty good when I got home, but then slipped into quite a funk later on. I was just tired and run down.

Today Courtney, me, and Lisa (or Darlene) are going to go have lunch somewhere nice. It's going to feel good not to have to eat lunch hunched over my desk for once. It should be fun. Courtney's nice, I like her a lot. We're pretty similar in our likes and dislikes, especially food, which is why we decided to go out to lunch today.

I'm pretty sure I had more to tell, but I'm sleepy and I can't remember any of it. Maybe later.

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Friday, February 8th, 2008
7:37 pm - I don't think I've ever been so glad to be single...
Sooo. I've been out of touch with a lot of people here recently, and very few know why... but since I haven't updated in a while, I thought I'd share.

To sum it all up.. I almost attended my own funeral on Saturday.

If you want to know anymore, I'm putting it behind a cut, because it's a long ass story.

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current mood: relieved

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Thursday, January 17th, 2008
12:26 am - Randomness ( 5 facts and a few pictures)
So, I'm an avid YouTube-r, though I don't make any vids of my own. Anyways, there's this tag game going around where you share five unusual or not so well known facts about yourself, then tag someone else and pass it on. I can't exactly make a video, but I thought I'd share anyways. I try to make an effort not to be so antisocial, so perhaps this will spark some sort of conversation amongst friends.

Random Fact 1: My eyebrows are not symmetrical. Perhaps it's the result of years of making odd faces and doing the 'one eyebrow arch'-thing when I'm confused, but my left eyebrow is slightly lower than my right eyebrow. I don't know if most people even notice because the difference is very slight, but it drives me up the freakin' wall.

Random Fact 2: Women tend to bitch and say men don't read directions when they are building something... but neither do I. I've tried, really I have, but I've just learned to give up. I turn right to the diagram and work from there. Something I can put together in five minutes using a diagram may take me two hours if I'm stuck with instructions only. I'm a visual sort of person, so much so that it sometimes winds up being a bad thing.

Random Fact 3: Even though I'm going to be 26 on Saturday, I am still petrified of the movie Gremblins to this day. Seriously. I was raised on horror movies, the bloodier the better, but Gremblins is just not something I can stand. I've only seen it once. I've TRIED to be brave and watch it again, because I know it's fake, but I can't. I'm fine until the little critters start popping out of Gizmo (I think that's it's name?), and then I have to change it. I've even had friends offer to watch it with me, and I still can't do it. I had a furby when I was a senior in high school, and then a family friend got one and brought it over.. and it looked just like a gremblin. It spooked me enough I took the batteries out of mine (even though it looked nothing like a gremblin), put it back in its box, and taped it shut.

Random Fact 4: I have a horrendous gag reflex. I suppose whoever I marry is just out of luck :-P It's bad enough that sometimes when I take a deep breath with my mouth open, I'll gag. Brushing my teeth is a nightmare.

Random Fact 5: I am one of those people that have a little 'personal space bubble'. While I don't mind friends being close to me, if I don't know you that well, don't stand so close because it makes me nervous. And if I don't know you at all, please to be standing a couple feet away. Usually it's not so much of an issue, only at the post office it seems, because there is usually a long line. I usually stand two or three feet back from the person infront of me.. but I usually wind up with someone behind me who feels the need to stand right on my ass... so I try to be subtle and scoot up just a little, but they scoot up too.. so I scoot again, and then they scoot.. and then I wind up smooshed between two people and on the verge of having a breakdown. Twice I've caught myself right before I turned around to scream at someone. Being that close to people I don't know is just NOT a good thing for me.

Anyways.. that's my five. I'm not really going to tag anyone, but if you feel like doing it, please share!

And on to the picture sharing.. which I will put behind a cut so I don't completely destroy your flist.

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12:22 am - Things seem to be looking up for once.
I know I don't post that often, and when I do I'm usually complaining about something. For once though, I'm in a pretty good mood.

Yesterday I was in a horrid mood because of work, and I really was ready to quit. Today though, I had a very good day. I think I might've mentioned from time to time about a big project I was working on here, reconciling a massive account and trying to get everything straightened out. It was a lot of work, the file that holds all the papers is huge. But anyways, that all came to an end today, as I reconciled the last ledger for 2007. I was so excited to be done with it all, only to find that my numbers didn't match what our corporate accountant had. So I was stuck back at my desk trying to figure out why, and feeling as though I wanted to pull my hair out. Mind you I enjoy this sort of work, I like playing dective and trying to solve these sort of problems, but it does get frustrating when I keep coming to dead ends. So I decided to stop and go through the corporate accountant's work to see if I could find the mistakes there, and lo and behold, there they were. My numbers were right, hers were wrong, bu $3000 some. So I called to let her know, and as I've said before, this woman does NOT like to be wrong. We proceeded to get into quite an argument, and she more or less said I had no idea what I was doing, that I just didn't understand accounting principles, etc etc etc.. that what I was saying was just impossible, and that she didn't understand how I could be so clueless. I was tempted to tell her off, and just give up, but I knew I was right, so I took a deep breath and went through it again, and again. After about the forth time she realized I was right, which definately took the wind out of her sails. We got everything straightened out though, she made her corrections, and now our numbers match, and the project is over... for now :-P It's such a relief. But winning that argument made me realize I really do like my job, I enjoy what I do.... it's just the people who irritate me :-P

I've been upset because of the scheduling at work, but I talked to Darlene and got that straightened out for the most part. I've had to work two 56 hour weeks, with only one day in between, which has made me quite cranky. While I'll have to work a few hours extra next week, it's not bad at all. AND I get my birthday (Saturday) off.

For a while I was upset about my birthday, because I doubt Dad is going to remember it, or get me anything. Not that gifts are that important, but damnit, I like new things to tinker with. At first I just wasn't going to say anything, and just let it pass, but the thought of that made me even more depressed, because thanksgiving was miserable, as was Christmas and New Years. But I've decided I'm going to remind him anyways, not so he can get me a gift, but so he can at least make a nice dinner :-P Maybe we'll rent some movies or something too.

And, for once in many many moons.. I won't be completely single on Valentines Day. Granted I'll still be by myself, but I seem to have gotten myself into some sort of online relationship :-P Which honestly, is fine by me. I don't deal well with people in person it seems, so communicating by text messages and through IMs while being separated by many thousands of miles and an ocean or two is fine by me :-P

current mood: chipper

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Friday, December 21st, 2007
10:00 pm - Sooo..
I know I don't post much, let alone babbly about stuff I buy, but I'm quite pleased with a purchase I made recently so I thought I'd share with you all, incase any of you might be interested.

Some of you who've seen me in person might have noticed, or some of you I might have told, but I have rosacea. To sum it up for someone who might not know what it is, my cheeks are rather red, as is the tip of my nose, and a bit of my forehead. My right cheek is worse than the left, as the redness takes up most of the side of my face. Mind you it's not a super bright red. Most people think I've just gotten a little too much sun. But the rest of the skin on my face is rather cranky because of this. For a while I was using a special cream, and though it kept it under control, it never got any better. I didn't like the cream, because my forehead and nose was already oily enough, and this cream made my whole face look like an oil slick. The doc even tried a perscription cream, but that actually made my face hurt and I had to quit using it. I thought I would be doomed to using the oily cream forever, and would occasionally get fed up and stop using it.. only to have my face throw a temper tantrum. It'd get very red, skin would start building up then flaking off and peeling, and if I let it go long enough I'd actually start to develop sores, but I only let it get that bad once. But like I said I thought I was doomed to having an oil slick on my face, and having to exfoliate more often to clear all the icky skin off (which always turned my face bright red for an hour or so).

However, Tuesday I went to the mall to get a Christmas present, and happened to get stopped by a man selling something in one of the stands in the middle of the mall. Now I know usually when they're out hunting for people to draw in, their product usually isn't that good or it's a rip off, but I went anyways just to see what it was. There were two Israeli men and one woman, also from Israel, selling skin care products. The man I spoke two (who's name I can't remember) was very nice, and gave me a complete demonstration of everything, and I was rather impressed. The main point of the products was that they were all based with salt from the dead sea, with other stuff added in. And the Dead Sea has always been said to have healing properties. The brands name is Attitude.. kind of an odd name if you ask me, but you can find it here: www.attitudeline.com . They were mentioning all the stuff it was good for, including rosacea. I wound up getting a bit of a lecture, because they said what I was doing was really just making it worse, and once they explained why, it was quite understandable why my face wasn't getting any better.

But anyways, to make a long story short, I bought all the things they showed me. It was a bit pricey, but I considered it a christmas treat for myself. I must say now though, even though it's only Friday and I bought it on Tuesday, it's already been worth every penny. I feel like I have normal skin again, that I'm not fighting a constant battle. I got the clensing gel, which is a bit hard to get use to, because it doesn't foam up or anything like other clensers, it stays clear, and you only need a tiny little bit. But it leaves my skin feeling very clean and soft, without feeling dry. Then I also got the facial peel, which serves as my exfoliator, and I'm to use it twice a week. The first time I used it (Tuesday night) I was honestly a bit disgusted. You don't have to scrub or anything, all the dead skin just starts coming off. It looked like something out of a horror movie almost :-P It disgusted and amused me at the same time. But it's not made with some toxic chemical or whatnot so it doesn't burn or anything, and it doesn't take off the good skin, just the dead skin on top, which is awesome because now I don't have to scrub my face like I use to. Again you only need a tiny bit of it. And then I got the moisturizer, which I LOVE. I love it because it does not turn my face into an oil slick. Just like the other things, you only need to use a little bit. It coats my skin well and then soaks in quickly, leaving everything feeling nice and smooth and soft and balanced. My skin isn't oily or shiney anymore.. it doesn't feel dry or painful. I was getting really bad acne on my forehead too, and in just four days, that has cleared up completely. I know this sounds like a sales pitch from a bad infomercial, but it's the truth, I'm really impressed with this stuff. My cheeks and nose are still rosey, but I have to say it's evened out my complexion a lot, so the redness isn't quite so noticable. Like I said, this stuff was a good deal more expensive than the drugstore stuff, but it's worth it. If any of you have any problems like that, I'd suggest you give it a shot.

current mood: good

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Saturday, December 1st, 2007
9:28 pm - Random quote of the day.
Let me start this by saying I'm well aware that I'm overweight. I don't really have too much of a problem with it, and will crack fat jokes at myself. Most people are afraid to say something though, thinking I'll get upset. So when I was talking my friend Todd about new pictures I'd taken and my body image and all he said this, and I died laughing. I love him to death for it.

"...you're not fat. You're just.. cuddly around the edges."

I laughed so hard. This is why I love Todd as much as a woman can love a gay man. We've been friends for ages. He's awesome.

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8:31 pm - I work with Chicken Little. Chicken Little is cranky.
Sometimes... I wonder if I'm the only (relatively) sane one around here. I mean I know I'm not the brightest.. but c'mon people. Seriously.

I had the joy of working 2-10 today. It was destined to be a slow day, and most of my time has been spent on the computer. Buuuut at 7:30 or so I get a phonecall from "D" who works at our sister hotel right next door. She's frantic and goes "Bria send Jerry over there's a fire!" Okay.. so I try to call the maintenance office, no answer. Try the radio, no answer. So I proceed to tear the hotel apart trying to find our maintenance man, who has a tendancy to wander off. I still can't find him, so I call my boss to see if he's still suppose to be working, because I knew he was leaving early today but didn't know when. She says he was still suppose to be here. I tell her there's a fire and that I can't find him. So she says she'd call the head maintenance man. So I hang up and get back on the radio, and keep calling Jerry over and over and over. Finally get an answer from D, but she snaps and goes "HE'S BUSY!" Puzzled, I go "you found him?!" She goes "Yes and he's busy!" What did she think I was wanting him for, to plunge a toilet? So I call my boss back to tell her Jerry is found, and she says she was going to call and talk to D about the way she snapped at me. Then she calls back to tell me what she said, and to tell me that there was no fire. An alarm shorted which caused it to go off, but there was no fire. No fire, no smoke, no nothing. But yet I looked and half the fire department is there. I've never seen so many trucks in my life! So then D calls and goes "well I'm sorry I got you all in a tizzy, but I have better things to do than be bitched at by Darlene." Which ticked me off again, because I was just doing what she told me to do! So since she thought I was being a snot, I called Darlene back and told her what she said, and that pissed Darlene off (she was already pissed because I got snapped at for doing what she told me to do) so she called back to fuss at D again for the way she was behaving. Rather than call me back, D sent Jerry over to fuss at me for having her bitched at. I told him the same thing I told D. I didn't call to get her bitched at. I called Darlene because there was a fire (or so I was told) and I couldn't find the maintenance man (who I was told to find). Then while trying to find him, I got snapped at for trying to find him. Had someone taken five seconds to tell me the place wasn't going to explode, I would've been alright. Jerry tried to explain saying "well the phones were ringing off the hook and all the firemen were there and the alarms were going off.." I don't care. I know it's a scary situation, but part of our job is to take care of our guests and staff members. And if you're going to freak out at the first sign of trouble and lose your mind.. you really shouldn't be in that position now should you? I've been in worse situations where there actually was smoke (but no fire thankfully), and managed to keep my head together and not come unglued.

I know people handle things different, and some of you may wind up taking her side. But I'm not upset at her for being scared or nervous. I'm pissed at being snapped at for doing what she told me to do.

But that, in a nutshell, has been the most excitement I've had in a long time.

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Tuesday, November 6th, 2007
8:03 pm - This is just not my year...
I feel bad because most everything I write in here lately is sad and emo... If you don't want to read it, just skip over it or something. And I know some of my views on things might be a little odd, I might believe in something you don't. While I appreciate your thoughts and opinions, I don't want to deal with negativity right now. If you don't have something decent to say, keep it to yourself.

I'm sure you're all quite aware my mom passed away in July. I suppose that, for the most part, I still haven't dealt with it. I stay busy and just try to keep myself moving and try not to dwell on things like that. But things just seem to keep piling up. A month to the day almost after my mom passed, one of our cats, Mushi, died. Mushi and mom were very, very close, and Mushi grieved herself to death. I took care of her as best I could.. tried to force her to have the will to survive. And I know some of you will probably say 'oh, it's just a cat, you shouldn't put human emotions into a pet'.. but, for any of you who have a pet you love dearly and looked into their eyes.. you could see emotion in return, no? The hardest thing was for me to sit there and hold Mushi, and try to comfort her some how, only to have her look up at me and just see the utter despair in her eyes. She looked so tired and heartbroken. I tried to force her to get better and pull through.. each day she'd somehow drag herself through. But then I realized how selfish I was being. Clinging so selfishly to the last little thing that belonged to my mother. So I sat down with her one final time and sort of said my goodbyes.. and she died the next day. It was so hard to let her go.

Things got better for a little while, but now they've gotten even worse. My pug, who I loved dearly, was hit by a car this morning and killed. He'd gotten out with our terrier, but an hour or so later Yoshi (the terrier) came back, utterly terrified my father said. He said Yoshiki came in and crawled under a chair, and would not come out for several hours, and even after that he refused to go outside. Moke (the pug) usually goes downtown to hang out at the Pizza King when he runs off (no joke, that was seriously his favorite place), so I left work a little early to go look around downtown, but I didn't see him. I came back home, and was going outside to fix the fence (which is another very long story) and someone called and said they'd seen him at the side of the road on the highway, that he'd been hit. So I go out.. and there he was, dead. I'm guessing he'd been hit sometime this morning, as the wounds were nothing fresh. They were bad too, so I don't think he suffered, which is good. I didn't want to leave him there, so I wrapped him up in a blanket I brought, and took him home, and wound up making a mess of myself in the process, but it hardly seems important. While I still love my terrier very much, there's always going to be a special place in my heart for Moke, and right now my heart feels so very empty. The house feels empty, everything feels empty. I think somehow, even my terrier knows, because after I brought Moke back, dad helped me wrap him up and put him in the garage until we figure out what to do with him. We were sitting there trying to watch tv, and Yoshi said in the floor and cried. I tried to hug and cuddle him, but even then, he would whimper.

To top all that off, my siamese cat Suki, who I've had 23 years, isn't doing so well. I know she's old, way past her prime. I know she'll die sometime.. I just wish it wasn't at this point in time. She's senile, I'm pretty sure she's going blind. She's skin and bones, and her back legs have gotten so weak it's hard for her to stand up properly. She doesn't move around well now and tends to fall over a lot. I know I should take her to the vet, but at this point in time I'm afraid to hear what the doctor will have to say. I don't want her to suffer.. but I don't think I could stand to put her down. Who knows what will happen, or when. I just hope that when the time comes I have the strength to handle it.

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Tuesday, October 9th, 2007
9:23 pm - san, ni, ichi...
Yeaaah. That subject was random.

I know some people out there who've spoken with me before are bound to think I'm an idiot. I'm well aware that, like most people, sometimes I'm prone to massive, prolonged brain farts, and there are just some things that I know nothing about.

However, deep down inside? I'm a closet nerd. Especially when it comes to chemistry. And no, I'm not one of those people who just like to blow things up. But I really like DNA, genetics, chemical engineering, and things like that. I think that's part of what impressed my ex-boyfriend about me. He was a chemical engineering student, and I could actually talk about mitochondria and the processes he went through to extract energy from them. I suppose that helped him to be less nervous around me, somehow.

ANYWAYS. I was in a bit of a funk today for various reasons (most of which have to do with work and why I'm considering looking for a new job). I rarely ever watch tv anymore, since I can't stand reality tv, but for some reason I felt the need to plop down and watch something. I put it on PBS (yes, I'm a nerd like I said), Nova was on. The show was about the chemical and molecular makeup of the steel in Samurai swords. Now I enjoy learning about the Samurai anyways, but most shows I see repeat the same general information over and over, but this show was right up my alley. I really enjoyed it, and it actually cheered me up. That's how much of a closet nerd I am.

I probably would've majored in chemistry too, if it weren't for my Chem 2 class in high school. I loved my first chemistry class. I really did. But since I did so well in the first one, the next chemistry class they put me in focused on nuclear chemistry. Why they thought it would be good to teach kids how to blow things up, I don't know, but that's more or less how it was. The teacher was a nut, too, and we'd have labs on figuring if a nuclear bomb was dropped in such and such a location, would we die? What our chances of survival would be, or how long it would be before we mutated or something. We'd go from that, to trying to calculate how many grains of sand would fit in the classroom. None of it tied together, or made much sense really. I've never been one of those people intrested in blowing things up. I don't like it when things blow up. I really don't. I don't even like Jack-in-the-boxes. I'm 25, and I can't stand them, because that little clown popping out is too much for me to handle. I don't even like lighting a blowtorch, because I think I in turn, will blow up. I'm odd, I know. I miss my chemistry classes though. I even used to have the periodic table of elements memorized. I loved studying how things interacted with each other, diagraming molecular structures, all of that.. I just didn't like the blowing up of things.

But anyways... I just thought I'd share. :-P

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Wednesday, September 12th, 2007
9:16 pm - Also..
For the record... you can stop teasing me about likeing Japanese music. Yes, that's what I prefer, but I DO have other interests too. When I asked you where it was you go to download music, you didn't have to be an ass and reply with "Well they probably won't have any of that music YOU like."

For your information, I was wanting some Ella Fitzgerald and Etta James.

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8:47 pm - I need to get a few things off my chest...
I know I'll probably step on several toes with this post, so I'm going to put it behind a cut. I also what to say that this is just my opinion. It's neither right nor wrong. This is going to be about gay rights, 9/11, and other random things. If you're easily offended about these topics, consider this your warning.

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Thursday, September 6th, 2007
8:31 pm - Random musings ver. 2.0...
... or would that be 1.2? I don't know.

My computer, though I love it to death, is possessed. I swear it is. Not in a bad way, just a sort of.. wtf-way. At first the speakers worked fine. Then one day, they quit working, however I could hear sound just fine if I plugged my headphones in. Not one to be overly picky, I didn't fuss, because I use my headphones most of the time anyways. Yet now, all of a sudden, the speakers have decided to work again. I dunno what the problem was, I haven't a clue.

Work is frustrating, yet again. So much drama we should start our own soap opera, I swear. Hopefully things will change soon. Everyone who isn't part of the drama has had enough. That being said, I'm at work now until ten p.m., and already ready for bed. Do you think they'd miss me if I curled up under my desk to take a nap?

I think I should probably be on antidepressants again, but my fear and loathing of doctors has only increased since I haven't had to see one in ages, so I don't think I'll be rushing back anytime soon. I've noticed though that I'm becoming more antisocial. There's only a few people I really want to bother with in my personal life now, and I don't feel like even making an effort to get to know new people. Nor do I even feel like making an effort to be nice to people I don't know, which is bad considering I work in the hospitality industry. That being said I want to make a point of saying I'm not mean, or overly rude (unless you give me a reason), I just don't feel the need to go 'above and beyond' anymore, as they say. I've even been getting frustrated with my family. But really, when you call me at work (which is half an hour away from home) to tell me the dogs got out.... what do you expect me to do? Though I may try sometimes, I have not yet perfected the art of teleportation. I cannot run home, chase them down, then run back to work. Nor can I fix the fence. So WTF am I suppose to do!? And when I tell you this (politely), it is not OK to hang up on me. I TRIED to fix the fence yesterday, but it is our neighbors fence (and if you're too lazy to pick up the phone to call them and let them know there is a hole in their fence, it's not my problem) and while they are wonderful people, I'm not going to start hammering on and rearranging their fence. When I told Travis about the first hole, he came right over and fixed it... so it's not going to kill him if he gets a phone call asking him to fix the new hole. And then, when you call me this morning after I'd just left for work to tell me the dogs got out again, it really ticked me off when, after saying I'd turn around and come back to get them (because I was still in the town where I live), you said 'oh no, I got them back in already'. WTF are you calling me for then?! I seriously do not like being the 'matriarch' of my family. I am not a hand-holder. If you really do need help, I have no problem helping. But if you're a grown person who can handle it on your own? Quit bugging me. You do not need to ask permission. You are older than me by many, many years. I don't need to know everything you do. It's nice that you got a package delivered, but you don't need to call and tell me. It's nice that you did the dishes too, but you don't need to call and tell me that either. You know about what time I get home every day, you don't need to call and ask what time I think I'll be home, because I tell you the same time, every single day. Again, I know that makes me sound like I'm being a snot, but really I'm not.

I would just like for a day (or even two) to be able to be myself. I really would. I had a friend comment about how she disliked people who were two-faced.. as most people seem to do. Yet I will readily admit I'm two-faced. Maybe even three or four-faced. Sometimes it's a bad thing, but sometimes it's not. My childhood was not pleasant. I've had to act as a grownup since I was about 12. That leaves little time in there for me to really figure out who I am. So, even though I'm 25 now, I'm still trying to figure out who I am, who I want to be, all that. I'm still testing the water, so to speak, and therefore I'm not always comfortable around people, and sometimes tend to act a certain way, however I think I should be, for that person, or that group of people. Certain people see parts of me others don't. What I'm willing to share with one person, I won't be willing to share with the other, and what I'm willing to say to one person, I won't say to the other. There are a few (very few) friends who get to know me as I am, a work in progress. But to the others, they only know the person I've constructed myself to be. Sometimes I feel a little more giving and let more of myself slip out, though it isn't always received well. The people usually try to be understanding, but sometimes their well-meant teasing is a tad big hurtful, but other times I'm the one who winds up surprised, because they apparently know me well enough to have expected whatever bit of my personality I reveal to them. Even small bits are sometimes monumental to me. Like the day I decided to wear black nailpolish to work. Lo-and-behold it's somehow become my trademark.. black polish on my toes. Everyone seems to like it on me, for some reason.. and the day last week I took it off, my boss just about flipped, wanting to know why I took the polish off. I like VK makeup, but yet I'm suppose to be 'professional' at work. Sometimes I will feel daring (usually on a Friday) and do some make-up all VK like, though I worry that I'll be scolded for it. Every time though, I wind up having to give makeup lessons because everyone likes whatever dramatic look I've chosen. I once did leopard print eyes, and I think the better part of my day was spent trying to explain to everyone how I did it.

They've learned not to question my unwavering Japanese fetish, and I've now somehow become the authority on Japanese porn. We've had long, drawn out discussions on it, really we have. I have also, somehow, became the offical 'decipher that accent' girl. Sometimes I wish other people would put more effort into learning how other people speak, but at the same time it feels nice to have a 'talent' other people around me don't have. Then again, some of you who know me would laugh, because I have a hard enough time speaking English sometimes, let alone trying to figure out another language. And yes, English IS my first language, but it's just sometimes hard to speak :-P Or type, for that matter.

I meant to write more, but I suppose I've said enough for now.

BTW, is there anyone willing to feed my newfound Ayabie addiction? Or share with me any good music, period? I'm not really that picky about what type it is. I'm just in the mood for new music to listen to. I'll love you forever, I promise.

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Monday, September 3rd, 2007
7:19 pm
So I was doing good at updating often for a while.. then got back out of the habit. It's not that nothing goes on in my life, I just usually don't feel like typing it all up after it happens. But I'm not feeling well and don't feel like doing anything so I thought I would ramble on for a while.

Work has been frustrating. Though I enjoy my job for the most part, I'm not happy with it right now. Though I know I should take a stand for myself, I honestly just don't have the mental willpower to do it right now. It's so much easier to smile and pretend everything is okay. Nor do I have the willpower to go out and find a new job and start all over from square one. Yes, I know I need a vacation.. but that is the source of most of my stress right now. Because the front office supervisor can't do her job... I have to do it for her. So they've decided I can only take half a vacation day a week, because the other hotel is getting ready for inspection so management won't be there all the time and OMG I have to be there to babysit. I know it's not right, but like I said, I'm too tired to fight at the moment. That being said though.. the front office supervisor and I have gotten into two arguments lately, which resulted in me raising my voice. It's not MY fault she's an idiot. And two, when I tell you something is done right that you think is wrong, and then you go behind my back to the management and tell them the story incorrectly so they'll take your side, don't think I won't catch you. I caught you, showed you were wrong, and then you tried to blame it on management, saying they made you do it? Bull. I might be the youngest one there, but I'm not an idiot. I could go on and on about things at work.. but it will always be the same stuff over and over.

Things at home have been.. okay. They aren't as great as they could be.. but.. I don't dwell on it. I know my dad is lonely and that I should spend more time with him.. but when I do stay downstairs to watch tv with him, he doesn't talk, and really there's not much for me to talk about either. Occasionally we'll play with the dogs, or talk about when dad was in the army, but that's about it. We got a 'new' car. New to us anyways. I got tired of taking everything in for repairs, expensive repairs at that, so I finally told dad I'd had enough, and that I was going to trade them in. At first he didn't much want to, but I put my foot down. I was the one that went and talked to the people, got everything going. So now we have a '97 Buick Century. It's not the greatest, but it's a damn nice car if I do say so myself. It has air conditioning.. you have no idea how excited that makes me. But if Jeff, the sales guy, calls me baby one more time, he's going to get a black eye. I know he's married, yet he thinks is perfectly alright to try and flirt with me. Asshole.

I made an oreo cheesecake from scratch last night, and it's quite yummy. So anyone who wants some is more than welcome to come over and have a piece :-D

And btw....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEPHANIE!!!! I'll mail your present soon I promise. I'm having a hard time getting Sho to stay in the box.

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Sunday, August 19th, 2007
9:25 pm
Someone save me from myself, before I bury myself alive. Seriously.

It's not that I'm suicidal, because I'm not. But I'm seriously fucking fed up. I wonder what day it was where I woke up and suddenly everything was my responsibility. I didn't get that memo, I swear.

It's not MY fault your an idiot. It's not my fault you're spineless. Go follow the yellow brick road and ask the wizard for a brain or something because I'm done. I've bent over so far backwards that it's just not possible for me to bend anymore. I'm 25 years old. I didn't ask to be the matriarch of this family. You are older than me, you need to start growing up and learn how to handle your shit. I'm not in charge of keeping track of everyone. I don't CARE. I seriously don't. No one cares how I'm doing, so why should I bother with them? The same goes for the majority of the people I work with too. Screw you.. because I'm suppose to be on vacation, but this is the second time I've gotten called in because people can't handle their shit. Sure, I get compensated with extra vacation days, extra paid time off.. but what good does it do me when, in the THREE vacation days I've taken, I've gotten called in on two of them. God forbid I try to actually take a whole week and once, this place would fall in on itself.

Perhaps I seem a bit harsh.. but.. I don't really care any more that your husband is psychotic and beats you. At first I did care.. I was there for you, gave you a shoulder to lean on and words of support. But you kept going back. Time after time. No matter how much we all did for you, you went back. So screw it. You're the reason I'm sitting here at work, because you're trying to be sneaky again and make excuses... the same bullshit you pulled last time. I don't care if you're fighting, I really don't care if both of your eyes are black. You should've been at work. We've all tried to help, but it never made a difference to you, so I'm done trying to help. Call me selfish if you want, but I don't care anymore. I have my own problems, yet I still manage to come to work when I'm scheduled, and even when I'm not scheduled.

Yes.. I know I'm in a bad mood. I have the right to be. And yes, I do know not all my friends are evil. There's a select few I cherish dearly (you all should know who you are by now).. you guys mean the world to me. But I'm going to be clearing out my buddy lists and whatnot, because I'm sick of dealing with everyone else. I'm sick of being the one to try to make things work. As childish as it sounds, I'm sick of always having to be the one to IM someone. Friendship is a fifty fifty deal. I'm not saying I have to talk to everyone every day, but, if the only time you feel inclined to talk to me is when I IM you, then I'm sorry, but I'm taking you off my list. I'm tired of people saying they want to be friends but not holding up their end of the bargain. I'm not asking for long conversations, really I'm not. It's not that hard to make a friendship work.

So for those of you who are on my list who never bother to speak to me... if for some reason you want to stay on, say so now. Things will be cleared out in a few days.

current mood: angry

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Monday, August 13th, 2007
10:40 pm - ... I can't think of a catchy subject...
Sometimes I think I'd be better off becoming a hermit. I really do. I think it would be best for those around me as well, because one of these days I'm going to hurt someone for being stupid, I really am.

Now I don't claim to be a genius... or if I do, I don't mean it. I know everyone makes mistakes... but some mistakes are just too stupid. And sometimes it's not even a mistake at all, it's just stupidity and laziness combined with a lack of caring. Those people shouldn't be able to breed.

Today was the day from hell at work. Seriously. You know it's going to be just a WONDERFUL day when, within five minutes of getting into your office, you're already getting into an argument with the supervisor. And I don't mean bickering, either.. we were starting to yell at each other. And the general manager was in her office, laughing, because even though I don't usually lose my temper, it's apparently very funny to other people when I do. I'm sorry though, when you as a supervisor don't do your job, you're going to piss me off. She has a hard time understanding the fact that I do have authority of her, and she thinks that if I tell her to do something a certain way, she doesn't have to do it because I'm not THE boss, and she's the supervisor.

But I might as well start at the beginning. I had Friday off. I had last Friday off as well, but I got called in because things were a mess. So, this past Friday, I didn't get called in, didn't get any phone calls, so I assume everything went smoothly. I was wrong. I got a message Sunday saying that today I needed to come in early, because there were problems, and none of the work that the GM was suppose to do for me got done. I was a bit pissed.. but hey, I'll live. But when I get in... it's just complete chaos. It took me SIX HOURS to go through eight packets of paperwork. Usually two packets will only take me an hour, tops. And that's if I'm having problems. The taxes were off on every single packet of paper, because people were making adjustments that shouldn't have to be made, if they were paying attention to their job in the first place. I shouldn't have to make a list of things for them every time. Then, there were pending credit cards. Pending credit cards are when someone checks in, but their CC doesn't authorize, and we charge them anyways. It's a bitch to fix usually, and really it shouldn't happen, if people would pay attention to what they are doing (which they obviously don't). The pending credit cards are what the supervisor and I got into an argument over. She's very quick to blame other people. I told her I didn't care who she wanted to blame.. it shouldn't have happened. And even though it did happen, if people were checking their work properly, and doing system checks, it could've been caught and fixed before it ran through audit. There were at least three people this mistake went through, without being fixed. She got all pissy and said "well I was too busy with sixty some check-ins.. I couldn't do it!" Well then if you know there's a mistake that you can't fix, you make sure the next person knows about it and fixes it. She's the supervisor after all, that's her job. We argued a bit more and then I caught her in a lie... after that she tried to play nice with me and butter me up, but at that point I just didn't care. There were so many more problems after that, I was so ready to get up and leave. No one cares about their jobs, it seems. While normally I'd be content to let them dig themselves a hole in the ground, all of their mistakes wind up on my desk, since I'm the property accountant. I'd say a good 98% of the mistakes made are financial.. so guess who gets to fix them?

Then, to top things off, around noon some construction worker cut the phone lines.. so our whole area was out. We lost the use of just about everything, phones, faxes, internet, we couldn't even run much on our system. We can't run audit tonight because we can't fix the phones, so we can't send credit cards, and if you run audit without sending credit cards, you're fucked. It's such a mess, I swear. Tomorrow is going to be another living hell.

I at least made it to work out today, finally, and then went to tan and bought new lotion that smells really yummy. I hadn't been to tan in a while, and I think I burned my back a bit, but I'm not sure since I haven't looked yet.

On the plus side though, my dad bought me a new laptop and it arrived today. I love it dearly... now I just have to start filling it with goodies again.

And this next story, all though humorous (and embarrassing), I'm going to put behind a cut, because I realize some of you might not want to read about masterbation and my personal life :-P

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